Emotionally Healthy Spirituality     By Peter Scazzero

It’s impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.
Unleash a revolution in your life in Christ.

Part One: The Problem of Emotionally Unhealthy Spirituality

Chapter 1 – Recognizing Tip of the Iceberg Spirituality
Something is desperately wrong

Very few people emerge out of their families of origin emotionally whole or mature. Every family, like every individual, is marked by the stain of sin of the first family, Adam and Eve. But we put up a veneer that “I am ok”, and hope that other people nor circumstance will tear through and show us for who we really are. For Christian leaders, we try harder because we know many are watching. We know something is wrong but we just keep trying harder to practice spiritual disciplines a little better. Problems is that the spirituality of most discipleship models only adds an additional protective layer against people growing up emotionally. God often works to get our attention to what lies beneath through pain, disappointment or loss. There is an emotional component to humanity that does not get the same attention as the other four areas: social, intellectual, physical and spiritual. Where is the school of emotional health and well-being? We all missed it.

Chapter 2 – The Top Ten Symptoms of Emotionally Unhealthy Spirituality
Diagnosing the problem

1) Using God to run from God
2) Ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness or fear
3) Dying to the wrong things
4) Denying the past’s impact on the present
5) Diving our lives into “secular” and “sacred” compartments
6) Doing for God instead of being with God
7) Spiritualizing away conflict
8) Covering over brokenness, weakness and failure
9) Living without limits
10) Judging other people’s spiritual journey

Some examples of using God to run from God are:

• Doing God’s work to satisfy me, not him
• Doing things in his name that he never asked me to do
• When my prayers are about God doing my will, not my surrendering to his
• Demonstrating spiritual behaviors so that significant people will think well of me
• Focusing on certain theological points that are more about my own fears and unresolved issues than concern for God’s truth
• Using his truth to judge and devalue others
• Exaggerating my accomplishments for God to subtly compete with others
• Hiding behind God talk, deflecting any spotlight on my inner cracks and being defensive about my failures

To feel is to be human. To the degree that we are unable to express our emotions, we remain impaired in our ability to love God, love others and love ourselves as well. Feelings are a component of what it means to be made in the image of God. To cut them out of our spirituality is to slice off part of our humanity.

Dying to the wrong things concerns taking self-denial to an extreme. We are to die to the sinful parts of who we are – such as defensiveness, detachment from others, arrogance, stubbornness, hypocrisy, judgmentalism and lack of vulnerability – as well as the more obvious outward sins. God never asked us to die to the healthy desires and pleasures of life – to friendships, joy, art, music, beauty, recreation, laughter and nature. Sometimes our wishes, dreams and hopes are seeds that God wants to nurture.

The old has gone and the new has come, but as adults, we more often reflect our families of origin than we realize. Underneath the surface, our relationships bears a striking resemblance to our first relationships with parents, siblings and friends of our youth. Gender roles; the handling of anger, conflict and shame; how we define success; our view of family, children, recreation, pleasure, sexuality and grieving. All this has been significantly impacted and shaped by our families of origin whether we like it or not.

Because we have multiple roles and communities of involvement, it’s easy to compartmentalize life into the sacred and profane. We may incorporate God’s people into our daily life and welcome them into our household, but do we meet all the daily responsibilities of life together with the same sacred concern? This can be especially problematic in the home of a pastor. Where does his wife’s concerns measure on his list of priorities? This is also compartmentalizing, and the compartment for home and family can get smaller and smaller without exercising the right freedoms to love and care for them as much as he does the church.

Doing for God instead of being with God makes us human doings not human beings. Praying and enjoying God’s presence for no other reason than to delight in him, with no other expected outcome is not a luxury – it’s a necessity. Work for God that is not nourished by a deep interior life with God will eventually be contaminated by other things such as ego, power and buying into the wrong ideas of success. Our activity for God can only properly flow from a life with God. We cannot give what we do not possess.

Spiritualizing away conflict comes from the belief that smoothing over disagreements or sweeping them under the rug is a destructive myth. Few of us came from families where conflict was resolved in a mature and healthy way. So most Christians actually lie a lot – to themselves and to others. Jesus shows us that healthy Christians do not avoid conflict.

No one welcomes public exposure, so everyone has their own way of covering over brokenness, weakness and failure. But King David was different. He was an emotionally healthy man, who dealt with his emotions well both privately and publicly. He had the power to kill the prophet Nathan or his commander when he was rebuked over his sins with Bathsheba and the census, but instead he allowed his story to be written into biblical history including the dire consequences and the deaths of thousands that he caused. In the Psalms he himself wrote of his sins and the gamut of human emotions he felt at various times. The bible records endless accounts of the failures and weaknesses of men and women of faith, but we go to great lengths to cover up and silence any assault on our character.

Life without limits is destined to crash at some point. Self-care is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have: my life. Everyone needs time for a Sabbath rest and occasionally a time of refreshment and rejuvenation becomes absolutely necessary. If leaders never rest, how can followers think that they can rest? For a spiritual leader to take a necessary rest is a gift to everyone – for his soul, for his family, and for those who now have permission to admit that they need a rest too.

Judging other people’s spiritual journey is not our job. We have a responsibility to teach and correct a limited number of people sometimes, with humility and love. But more often we carry moral superiority into our view of the rest of the world beyond our direct control. Just categorizing people in our minds is sin, as is eliminating others who don’t move at our pace spiritually.

Chapter 3 – The Radical Antidote: Emotional Health & Contemplative Spirituality
Bringing transformation to deep places

In the early stages of the spiritual journey, one learns the value of attending church for worship and communion, one develops a quiet time and then seeks out spiritual nourishment, fellowship and bible study with other Christians. Beyond this, one starts to give financially and seek to discover and develop one’s spiritual gifts. Reading good books and attending conferences deepen the walk, and eventually also the new Christian begins to evangelize the non-believing in one way or another. But what comes next? If you make it to the end of this list in the first five years, what about the next 75 years? One can be busy with all the right things, yet remain an infant in terms of emotional health.

The author of the book asserts that the right measure of emotional health and contemplative spirituality is the radical antidote. Both are necessary to loving God, loving ourselves and loving others.

Emotional health is concerned with such things as:
• naming, recognizing and managing our own feelings
• identifying with and having active compassion for others
• initiating and maintaining close and meaningful relationships
• breaking free from self-destructive patterns
• being aware of how our past impacts the present
• developing the capacity to express our thoughts and feelings clearly, both verbally and non-verbally
• respecting and loving others without having to change them
• asking for what we need, want or prefer clearly, directly and respectfully
• accurately self-assessing our strengths, limits, and weaknesses, and freely sharing them with others – even before we resolve them
• learning the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider the perspectives of others
• distinguishing and appropriately expressing our sexuality and sensuality
• grieving well

Contemplative Spirituality focuses on classic practices and concerns such as:

o awakening and surrendering to God’s love in any and every situation
o positioning ourselves to hear God and remember his presence in all we do
o communing with God, allowing him to fully indwell the depth of our being
o practicing silence, solitude, and a life of unceasing prayer
o resting attentively in the presence of God
o understanding our earthly life as a journey of transformation toward ever-increasing union with God
o finding the true essence of who we are in God
o loving others out of a life of love for God
o developing a balanced, harmonious rhythm of life that enables us to be aware of the sacred in all of life
o adapting historical practices of spirituality that are applicable today
o allowing our Christian lives to be shaped by the rhythms of the Christian calendar rather than the culture; and
o living in committed community that passionately loves Jesus above all else

Contemplation is not simply about our relationship with God. It is ultimately the way we see and treat people and the way we look at ourselves. Our relationship with God and relationship with others are two sides of the same coin. Emotional health and contemplative spirituality offer three gifts when integrated well:

1. the gift of slowing down – to pause, listen, adjust and recognize God’s voice
2. the gift of anchoring in God’s love – not our disciplined pursuit of God but about affirming his relentless pursuit of me
3. the gift of breaking free from illusions – idols are smashed, gain the power and wisdom to stop pretending, and clarity how to stop living someone else’s life

When we gain the ability to integrate spiritual activity with contemplation, we find that our lives have a beauty, harmony and a clarity that makes the doing of life straightforward and joyful. According to 1Corinthians 13, the goal of Christian life is to love well, and be transformed in our perceptions of God, myself and others.

Part Two: The Pathway to Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

Chapter 4 – Know Yourself That You May Know God
Becoming your authentic self

St. Teresa of Avila wrote in The Way of Perfection, “Almost all problems in the spiritual life stem from a lack of self-knowledge.” John Calvin wrote in Institutes of Christian Religion, “Our wisdom… consists almost entirely of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves.”

The vast majority of us go to our graves without knowing who we are. Unconsciously, we live someone else’s life, or at least someone else’s expectations of us. Breaking free requires learning to feel, learning to distinguish thinking and feeling, and finally, summoning the courage to follow my God-given “true self” rather than the voices and demands around me. It never entered my mind that God might be speaking to me in the “feeling” realm in a way that did not compromise with his truth. But he was, and we need permission to consider our feelings rightly or end up “leaking” all over the people around us. So much of our true self is buried alive. But our God feels deeply, and when we deny our pain, losses and feelings we become less human. When we ignore or neglect our most intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and close off an open door through which to know God. Change comes through brutal honesty and vulnerability before God – in the place of Grace. I am not my performance, my possessions nor my popularity.

Jesus lived faithfully to his true self. He left his family of origin and became an inner-directed, separate adult. He was secure in his identity and his father’s love, so he was able to endure an enormous amount of pressure. He disappointed many and was disappointed by others, but he never held grudges. Jesus listened without reacting. He knew his own value and worth, so the term selfless does not accurately reflect his world view.

The concept of differentiation applies here. This refers to a persons capacity to define his or her own life’s goals and values apart from the pressures of those around them. Differentiation involves the ability to hold on to who you are and who you are not. I don’t have to detach from you, reject you, avoid you, or criticize you to be myself. I can be myself apart from you. Getting to your core requires following God into the unknown. By God’s grace, we are to be the freest people on earth.

Chapter 5 – Going Back in Order to Go Forward
Breaking the power of the past

The Beaver System Model is one way to look at and understand our family background. Based primarily on how they understand their boundaries, families are able to classify themselves along five different levels of health.

Level Five: The Family in Pain. Leadership is lacking; it has no rules and is chaotic. Conflicts are never dealt with or resolved. Confusion and turmoil.

Level Four: The Borderline Family. Instead of anarchy, a dictator rules with black and white precepts. Rigid ways of thinking where disagreement is not allowed.

Level Three: The Rule-Bound Family. Not in chaos or under a dictatorship, but feeling loved and approved depends on obeying spoken and unspoken rules. The rules of the system are more important that the individuals. Subtle manipulation, intimidation and guilt permeates the home.

Levels Two and One: The Adequate Family and The Optimal Family. The dynamic allows for flexibility and cherishes each individual. Good feelings and trust allow to work through conflicts. Only difference in Level One is that members of that family actually “delight” in one another.

Joseph in the OT went backward in order to go forward. He had a profound sense that God was bigger than him and his whole family. He honestly faced the sadness and losses of his family, and resolved them in God. He rewrote his life script according to Scripture. Ultimately, Joseph let go of his family and partnered with God to achieve greatness and blessing.

Accountability is the only thing that can break the past.

Chapter 6 – Journey Through the Wall
Letting go of power and control

The ancients called it “the dark night of the soul”, but everyone who went through it came out changed forever, because they received the gift of God.

The author describes 6 stages in the Christian journey, 3 before the wall and three afterward.

Stage 1 – Life-changing awareness of God
Stage 2 – Discipleship
Stage 3 – the Active Life of Serving
THE WALL
Stage 4 – Journey inward
Stage 5 – Journey outward
Stage 6 – Transformed into life of love

The wall is a crisis that turns our world upside down. It can come in the form of a job loss, the death of a loved one or a divorce. There is no way over, under or around the wall. The only way to go is THROUGH it. On the other side is freedom from pride, avarice, materialism, irritation, spiritual gluttony, spiritual envy and sloth.

Characteristics of life on the other side of the wall include: a greater level of brokenness, a greater appreciation for Holy Mysteries, a deeper ability to wait for God, and a greater detachment.

Chapter 7 – Enlarge Your Soul Through Grief and Loss
Surrendering to your limits

There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality. In fact, the true spiritual life is not an escape from reality but an absolute commitment to it. Limits are behind all loss. We grieve the many things we cannot do, which represent our limits. What our families of origin consider acceptable ways to express our emotions shape our response to loss. In our culture, addiction has become the most common way to deal with the pain of loss. While we just want to get out of the pain, God wants us to drop our defensive shield and feel the pain, process it and gain his gift through it.

Biblical grieving involves paying attention, waiting in the confusing in-between, embracing the gift of limits, and climbing the ladder of humility.

Chapter 8 – Discover the Rhythms of the Daily Office and Sabbath
Stopping to breathe the air of eternity

People that live in climates prone to blizzards learn to center themselves in their surroundings so that they can always find their way home. Practicing the presence of God in the rhythms of the Daily Office involves stopping, centering and breathing in the silence. Exercising the Sabbath involves also stopping, but also resting and delighting in our ever-watchful, loving Father in whose hands are held all things. There in that place of quietness, the true Sabbath rest is found in contemplation of God himself. Taking a sabbatical is not a luxury, it’s a necessity.

Chapter 9 – Grow Into an Emotionally Mature Adult
Learning new skills to love well

The author outlines four levels of emotional maturity from infancy, children, adolescents and adults, each with its own outlook, relational capacities and reactions to life. The emotionally mature adult recognizes that loving well is the essence of true spirituality. This requires that we experience true connection with God, with ourselves and with other people. Jesus practice the presence of God and of people.

According to Jean Vanier, Love is “to reveal the beauty of another person to themselves.” Jesus did that with each person he met. The ability to really listen and pay attention to people was at the very heart of his mission, and it is what moved his heart to compassion. The Pharisees never delighted in people but rather scorned them. They did not link loving God with the need to be diligent, zealous, and absolutely committed to growing in their ability to love people. Jesus summarized the entire bible in this command: “Love the Lord your God… and love your neighbor as yourself.”

Our great problem is that we are the center of the universe, and we unconsciously expect others to think, feel and act toward the world in the same way that I do. The real beauty and joy of life is to discover the “otherness” of others – that allows true love. I need to overcome dehumanizing and objectifying others. Every person deserves respect, and deserves to be treated with dignity and worth. The goal is to move from “I-It” relationships to “I-Thou” relationships, which can only exist between two people who recognize each other as made in the image of God and are willing to connect across their differences in a sacred space.

Respect is not a feeling. It’s how we treat another person. I give myself and others the right to: space, different preferences, disagreement, being heard, being taken seriously, giving the benefit of the doubt in uncertainty, telling the truth, consulting when necessary, allowing to make mistakes, being courteous and taking one another’s feelings into account.

True respect is not possible without checking out assumptions and either voicing or laying down expectations.
Chapter 10 – Go the Next Step to Develop a “Rule of Life”
Loving Christ above all else

Each person must develop their own “Rule of Life” in terms of prayer, rest, work and relationships. The elements of a Rule of Life include: scripture, silence and solitude, the daily office, study, Sabbath, recreation, mission, care for the physical body, emotional health, family and community.

God has a different path for each of us. Don’t live someone else’s life, but find the joy and gifts God has for yours.