A Strong Family Is Needed For Missionary Longevity On A Cross Cultural Remote Mission.

 by Kevin E. Jesmer                                                                                                           6-1-15

 Ephesians 5:33, “ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (ESV).

     Let’s face it, strong and intact Christian families are needed in order for a missionary couple to achieve longevity in a remote, cross cultural mission. The family relations need to be in order. There are no two ways around it. The family consists of husband, wife and children and also the extended family, like the kid’s grandparents. Without a missionary couple’s family life being in order, it is doubtful that they will have longevity on the mission field.

This article will discuss some to the Biblical standards of family relational and spiritual health that is common for any Christian family in any setting. It will discuss men, women, and the kids. It will discuss what it means to be one in the Lord, and how marriages can glorify the Lord. It will also give some final practical suggestions on how to grow together as a family in a remote mission setting.

I acknowledge that volumes and volumes could be written on the subject. I am no expert. My only experience is 23 years of marriage and raising five kids while heading up a small, house church for 14 years. I have been around missionaries for the last 29 years and counting. I suppose I can say something and so here is my two cents worth. I pray that what is written may strengthen missionary families.

Part 1: Some Biblical Standards Regardless Of The Setting

 The Bible outlines details of the relationships between the family members. These are Biblical criteria, regardless if the Christians are living in a remote, cross cultural setting, or in an established community in the “dominant” society.  For the men, the information is directed to those aspiring to be leaders in the church. Obviously, to be a leader in a church, one has to have their family matters in order.  The verses to wives seem to be to all Christian wives. This report will not include relations with extended family, like the parents of the missionaries. And so let’s investigate what the Bible has to say about the relationships within the missionaries immediate family.

Some words to the wives:

1 Peter 3:1-6, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” (ESV)

Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” (ESV)

1 Timothy 3:11-13, “Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things. ¹² Let deacons each be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own households well. ¹³ For those who serve well as deacons gain a good standing for themselves and also great confidence in the faith that is in Christ Jesus.” (ESV)

Some words to the husbands:

1 Timothy 3:1-5, “The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. ² Therefore an overseer  must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, ³ not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. ⁴ He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, ⁵ for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (ESV)

1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you^[a] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (ESV)

Ephesians 5: 25-33, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (ESV)

and again….

1 Timothy 3:1-5, “The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. ² Therefore an overseer  must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, ³ not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. ⁴ He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, ⁵ for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (ESV)

I think that the husband/wife relationship can be best summed up by Ephesians 5:33, “ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (ESV). In the marriage, the husband needs to be encouraged to love his wife and the wife needs to respect her husband. Maybe it is because of the way that we are wired, that men and women need to be reminded to love in two different ways.

Why not both parties practice love and respect, especially in cross cultural missions in remote settings? When you are out there alone, your spouse is going to be your greatest confidant, supporter, counselor, cheer leader, prayer partner, day-to-day supporter. They will be there when you are physically sick, depressed, discouraged, burnt out, feeling condemned, isolated and abandoned. They will be there when the kids grow up and seem to ignore you and one day leave you and you are forced to reinvent yourselves; when your friends move on to other areas; when your extended family ages and passes into eternity; when your distant relations forget who you are. You will be there with your spouse.

Some words about the kids…

Ephesians 6;1-4, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), ³ “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” ⁴ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (ESV)

There is an added factor in the missionary family experience, the kids. Everything would be nice if the kids fully co-operated, with glad and sincere hearts, in the family mission. And maybe they will throughout their lives. Most likely they will, for a long time, until they are their teens. It is in their early to mid teens that they are led into new seasons of life, some aspects of which are not in tune with the cross cultural mission that the parents may be engaged in. What happens when the kids express their growing identity and growing independence? What if they actually go astray and oppose the Gospel?     Teenagers are an intricate part of the family dynamic. This dynamic become even more complicated in the remote setting. The Bible has some guideline on the parent-child relationship.

1 Timothy 3:4-5, “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, ⁵ for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (ESV)

2 Timothy 2:24-26, “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, ²⁵ correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.” (ESV)

The parents must manage their household well, which also means their kids.  Does that imply that their kids will be followers of Jesus, sold out to Jesus and loving him from their deep hearts? No. Managing the household well does not mean forcing the kids to comply outwardly to the rules of living out the mission. Their kids may not even want to follow their parents to the mission field.  There are very sincere servants of Christ, whose children do not follow Jesus. Some of their kids are lost in deep darkness. Some of the kids may just be trying to find themselves and need time. But that does not stop the parents from managing even their unbelieving or seeking children well.  Managing well, means praying for them and loving and serving them faithfully. It means responding to the kids as Christ would, consistently.

There will be a time when the kids may not want to be with their parents on the mission field and want to leave. Does this disqualify the parents from being long term, cross cultural missionaries? They may need to make a change of course in order to mange their teenage children. There is never a time when their teenagers will not need them. They must need to seek the will of the Lord in each unique circumstance. I think the ideal situation is for families with young kids to go to the mission field. Then the kids can taste growing up there and experience the life of a missionary. In their teenage years they can then make the choice whether they want to go or stay.

As a father, of five, I discovered that I had control over my kids until the oldest one reached fifteen years old. When the oldest one turned fifteen, she began to express her own character, dreams and desires, which was totally fine. But I was ill prepared to accept the fact that they were not my dreams, will and desires. Trying to control the kids, to conform to my mission, was not going to happen. They were entering into the next season of their lives and so was my wife and I, as it should be. We needed to adjust and re-invent ourselves. We also have to continually show support as the kids navigate into these realms. It is a tough process, but by the grace of our Lord Jesus, he is helping us.

I was never on a remote mission field. But I did head up a single family house church for fourteen years, where our family served a handful of students with the Gospel. I was not part of a local church. And so, our family was somewhat remote, for we were only having day to day interactions with a handful of students, some of whom were not even Christians. The first ten years were relatively simple. My kids were committed. They listened, they studied with us, they participated in ministry. They submitted to my leadership. But when they decided to express themselves, things started to break down, mostly on my part. Like, I said, we had to re-invent ourselves as a family. As a Christian father, I still had to manage my family well. I couldn’t push from behind any longer. I needed to lead from the front and lead the kids only as the kids wanted to be led. I had to have new relationships with the kids. That was not easy. But by the grace of God, we were all able to get through it. Jesus has been helping my wife and I to manage our household thus far. Ebenezer!

I was wondering about missionary kids in the remote, First Nations Communities in NW Ontario.  As they grow up, will the missionaries send them to public school? Will they home school? Will they do both? What about when the kids turn fifteen and they express their desires to leave the community? How will the families respond? What will happen if the kids experience prejudice because they are the minority? Or what if the kids follow the ways of unbelieving peers? Every missionary family is unique. There is no recipe on how to relate to all members of the family. If my kids didn’t want to be part of the mission, I probably would tell my teenage kids, “This missionary life is what God has called our family to and this is what our family does. When you are old enough to set out on your own journey, we will do what we can to support you as you blossom into a beautiful and responsible young adult, spreading your wings and flying. In the mean time, find out how God wants to work in your life as you live with the rest of your family in this community.”  In regards to the kids we must always live in hope. The Bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Prov 22:6) They may not understand what God is doing in your family at the moment. But they will understand at the right time. God is able to make them understand, in His time and in His way.

Part 2:  There Must Be Oneness In The Family.

Genesis 2:21-25 reads, “21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made[h] into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”  (ESV)

Matthew 19:5-6, “and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (ESV)

It has been God’s design from the beginning that a husband and wife be one.  That is why, when a man and woman marry, “… a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  No longer is the man to cling his parents and his single ways. He needs to leave his parents and cleave to the woman whom God has brought into his life. They are to be one flesh.  This indicates oneness on so many fronts. There is oneness in life purpose; oneness in faith; oneness in the desire to nurture the family unit and bearing fruit for God; oneness in mind, heart and spirit and a oneness in intimacy. When one member of the marriage, makes plans for the future, they always consider the other. When they make decisions, they consider the other. They live in unison.  That is oneness. This is the will of God for the couple. A missionary couple on the mission field must always remember that they are to be one, unified though their faith and calling in Christ. When they make plans for the mission it must include both of them.  If oneness can not be maintained, then there needs to be a re-evaluation about the will of God for their family. They must find the direction that God has for their family and follow it with a prayer for ONENESS.

You and your spouse are one in the Lord. You are not two separate beings but one. You are there for each other in the good times and in the bad; in plenty or in want; in sickness or in health; ‘till death do you part, your spouse is there for you. According to Genesis 2:23-34, leave the singleness of your life and cleave to the one whom God brought into your life…your spouse. Become even more intent on becoming one with your spouse as you are plunge into a cross cultural mission.

Part 3:  Missionaries Are Called To Glorify Jesus Through Their Family

God wants to glorify himself through the family. Ephesians 5:32-33 reads, “32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (ESV)

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he uses the marriage relationship to reveal the relationship that Jesus has with the church. The book, The Song of Songs, in the Bible, reflects, not only the love between a man and wife, but also the love that Christ has for the church. The family was meant to reflect Jesus. In other words, the family is meant to glorify God. Christians are meant do all things for the glory of God, even relating together as husband and wife. 1 Corinthians 10:31. “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

How can one go as a missionary, to a cross cultural setting and have a poor relationship with your spouse and still hope to glorify Jesus? We should strive to show how Christ loves the church through how we love our spouse. (Eph 5: 22-33) There will be a language and cultural barrier in a remote, cross cultural mission field. But even if we don’t speak the language, the relationship that we show to others, through our marriage, may be one of the few ways that God can show his love to those we pray for.  We can glorify the Lord, through our oneness, our love, as well as the grace we show each other as we walk in the Gospel truth. When people see a husband and wife, people must see Christ in them and in the family.

Part 4: Concluding Remarks

     Missionaries must protect, nourish and cherish their family. In a remote community, the family will be an oasis. It will be a place of comfort, strengthening, encouragement, renewal, love, forgiveness, truth and revival. There will be days when the whole world seems to be against you… but in the family, you are in a blessed place.

The need for strong and healthy family relations are made even more evident, when the family is living in a remote, isolated, cross cultural setting. There are so many things that will seek to disintegrate the family and burn you out. There is isolation. You are not surrounded by fellow church members in a local church setting. You have no peers to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of or get feedback from. You are surrounded by people who do not believe in Jesus or who are very young spiritually. You are disconnected from your extended family. The strength that you get from your family can mean the difference between a short term mission or a long term mission.

Always keep nurturing of the family in the forefront of the Christian mission.  Remember, your family, regardless if they are Christians or not, are with you for life. Your family is an oasis in the storms of life. 1 Timothy 3:4a, “⁴ He must manage his own household well,…” In all of familial relationships, it all boils down to Jesus’ teaching in John 13:34-35, “ A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. ³⁵ By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (ESV)

In regards to the family, here are some suggested activities,

 Do…

-protect the family time.

-spend time with the kids.

-go on regular date nights with the spouse.

-have lots of talk time.

-have family vacations.

-keep a non-judgmental open door policy.

-attend the kid’s concerts to best of your ability.

-write personal letters.

-pray regularly with your spouse.

-have family devotionals

-be patient.

-encourage and praise when due.

-lay off with unnecessary rules.

-hold onto Biblical truth sprinkled with lots of grace.

-give lots of hugs. Give praise where praise is due.

-have lots of family adventures with pictures, journals and video.

-make family memories.

-help the kids find themselves and navigate into new chapters of life.

-Write and journal about the kids and spouse. Memorialize your love for your family. Document your love for your wife and kids. If you have a diary and journal mention your family members in endearing terms. Mention the ways they made you proud. Write about the milestone events in their lives.

-spend some money on outings.

-respect their choices. (remember…you are not always right and you probably made the same mistakes too.)