Sister’s Demands Test Relationship. By: Amy Dickinson. Contact Reporter: Ask Amy 5-28-16
Sister’s Demands Test Relationship. By: Amy Dickinson. Contact Reporter: Ask Amy 5-28-16
(I post this article because it hit home for me. I find myself demanding apologies from people for things done decades ago. Does anyone else have this issue? They may not have done what I perceive they did. Even if they did, they probably don’t remember. This being said, why do we seek apologies that will never come, or should not even come, decades later. I say, “Forgive and let go and let God work things out.” It will do a lot to bring peace to our hearts. – comment by Kevin Jesmer 6-216)
Dear Amy: My sister often shares that she is upset about things I said or did years ago — sometimes decades ago.
Her pain is real, but I honestly don’t remember the events she is referencing.
These are often small interactions — for instance, that I didn’t lend her a sweater 23 years ago.
I’m not comfortable apologizing for something I don’t remember.
If I offer an apology that I’m sorry she’s upset, it’s not good enough because it doesn’t apologize for my actions.
If I say I cannot remember, she says that I don’t need to, that I should trust her memory of the events and apologizes profusely.
And, if I don’t, she’ll stop speaking to me, often for many months, with conditions attached for when I may call or contact her. For instance, when I disregarded her instructions and sent her a birthday card, she told me I was “disrespectful.”
It’s a vicious cycle of Apologize for Years Ago/Prolonged Silence.
Is there a way to break this cycle, or is it out of my control?
Is it reasonable to always listen and only engage in apologies if I remember the infraction?
How much time is reasonable for a person to process how they’re feeling before they share they are upset?
Is it disrespectful of me to make my own decisions about cards/presents?
— Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Between: Your sister is a difficult and challenging person, and if you want to have a relationship with her (are you sure you do?), you will have to engage in equal measures of patience and persistence.
This interpersonal game she’s playing is one that requires two players.
I suggest that you do whatever you want to do from here on out, as long as it is respectful. Before fulfilling any demand, ask yourself, “Do I want to do this? Is this in my best interests?” You might choose to tell her, “I’m not playing the apology-game anymore.”
As you alter your reactions, your sister may act out with more ferocity.
If she doesn’t like your behavior, she will have to find a way to cope with it, without insisting that you bend to her will. She is testing you by trying to control you. If she seems overly and persistently unhappy or anxious, you should recommend that she see a counselor, because what ails her is something that you cannot fix.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/askamy/ct-ask-amy-ae-0528-20160528-story.html
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